it's only nerves

Looking in for the millionth time.. seeing and working for the first.

2010-04-23T11:15:00.000-07:00

The brain: It's only nerves, and they are still working. I have been struggling on a deep personal level with a recent break-up, and I have hit the illustrious, jagged rock bottom. Though we were only together for 9 months (2 of which were long-distance), it has been more than 2 months since we broke up, and she is still on my mind constantly- rarely a minute passes by that I find myself not thinking about her. This isn't like me. My best friend says "you have taken this one harder than any other." I truly cannot understand/see clearly why this relationship failed, and this shakes me (see rationalization defense mechanism below). Despite our mutual, probably additive neuroses, our love began so powerfully, I believed no force could stop it. I believed with love, we could work through anything. Since she decided not to, and attacked me while exiting, like a fleeing soldier spraying bullets at his enemy, I feel like I was left wounded in a graveyard that was once Eden. Only my Self and my relationship with "God" will get me up. This was my bottom. A desert, a cry and dust.

Not because of a premeditated desire to change, but out of necessity, I realized I MUST change.. or else I will not experience deep happiness. ever. I am tired of not experiencing the simple, great pleasures in life. I want to live deeper, to be more WHOLE: to have religion. This is going to be a blessing. I have had many failed relationships, but I always thought the reason was simple: I had not found the "right" person. I accept this thinking was wrong.

(thank you "Getting Past Your Past" blog:)

For many, many, many years I have lived with either chronic, daily depression or anxiety, interspersed with moments of relief and joy with friends and God. They say extreme anxiety and restlessness are the result of overinflated defense mechanisms.. so with my new, open heart, i listen. yes, i am rarely comfortable and settled. what are my defense mechanisms that have eluded my consciousness?

accepting the pain I open the door.

Projecting and Rationalizing

These inflated defense mechanisms of mine are driven by this character trait: a need to know and understand the world I live in, so that it's less fearful and I can play in it. The cons of these defense mechanisms are: 1) alienate people (the irony); 2) present an image of self-righteousness; 3) rigidity, not fluidity (the irony); 4) less understanding and trust of others; 5) less self-knowledge; 6) staying even when punished.

the last nerve

2009-10-28T16:54:00.000-07:00

At this point in my life, I ask the question: how much is enough? Life has become a balance of satisfaction and pursuit. Is it worth it? Are the ideas that come to mind that energize my drive for the purpose of helping others or gaining status? Does God care if we pursue them or not? or does God care about any of the choices we make? He forgives if we make mistakes- hurt myself or others. and he grants graces when we do the right thing. but, in the end, does He care what we do? Rationally speaking, it makes sense that He doesn't care- for every decision we make is forgivable or laudable. but, He doesn't want us to inflate with too much pride... i'm reminded time and time again of Leibniz's quote: "We can say also that God, the Architect, satisfies in all respects God the Law Giver, that therefore sins will bring their own penalty with them through the order of nature, and because of the very structure of things, mechanical though it is. And in the same way the good actions will attain their rewards in mechanical way through their relation to bodies, although this cannot and ought not always to take place without delay."

Rest and relaxation and work. but none of this matters without Love. I am still learning to Love...

particles of light

2008-02-15T10:06:00.000-08:00

light is such a happy word, because the human mind can be heavy. looking out my office window, i saw cars and semis passing by on a highway in the distance, the foothills beyond. and i thought for a second that i was that person driving that semi, so small from here, so insignificant in my mind. and then i realized, even though my existence is so minor, this realization doesnt make it easier, doesn't settle the heaviness of my mind- that i feel a burden of carrying existence itself. all the troubles in the world (poverty, homelessness, addiction, etc.) exist as troubles in every cognizant mind. although each person is only a small part of the world, he carries all of it. i cannot believe that i am perturbed to the point of discontent because of a few defects in a few floorboards i recently laid in my home. that i lose sleep over a crack in the foundation of my home. this home could be destroyed tomorrow and it would matter the least for the world, but a single flaw means the most for a brain that carries it. these are examples of a broken mind. the amazing outcome is that i can recognize this sickness in my brain and define it as outside of me. i'm still convinced our true identities are residents of our brains- that our brains provide the experience of life, but are not the life itself. we are still spirits, and this is why we struggle. for we are particles of light inhabiting a heavy mind.

"that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life; indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead. " -2 corinthians 1, 8-9

"Coping Outside the Box"

2007-07-10T07:26:00.000-07:00

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/07/09/AR2007070901304.html

5-HT2C receptors

2007-06-26T20:24:00.001-07:00

Most of us who care about depression and anxiety know by now that the common antidepressant drugs work by inhibiting the uptake of serotonin (5-HT) in the brain (i.e. decrease the activity of serotonin transporters, raising serotonin levels).

There are many classes of serotonin receptors (the proteins that transduce the message, or communicate the message of serotonin) in the brain- and many, many subtypes of receptors within each class. There may be more types of serotonin receptors in the brain than any other neurotransmitter, i.e. serotonin, the molecule, can have a wide range of effects depending on the distribution and number of different types of serotonin receptors.

Our lab is primarily interested in the serotonin 2C receptor. This receptor is known to be involved in anxiety. Drugs that activate the receptor cause anxiety. Drugs that block it decrease anxiety. But what's really neat is that the 5-HT2C receptor is the only known G-protein coupled receptor (it's just a common type of receptor that works with G-proteins to do its job, instead of doing it all on its own) in the brain to be edited post-transcriptionally. That is, after the gene for the receptor is turned on and starts making more of the receptor, the product of the gene can be altered, so that the 5-HT2C receptor that is made is also altered. This simply means that a single gene that makes the 5-HT2C receptor can end up making many different versions of the the receptor- and some are more functional than others, that is, some 5-HT2C receptors respond to serotonin (activate G-proteins) better than other versions. Fully edited 5-HT2C receptors are much LESS SENSITIVE to serotonin than unedited receptors.

And!! environmental factors, such as early life stress and trauma- lead to more edited 5-HT2C receptors in parts of the brain that regulate emotion.

so, what is the deal with 5-HT2C receptor editing??? what is its function in anxiety, if any?? what is the purpose of editing (making a receptor less functional)??

These are the current, primary questions of the lab that we are investigating.

If you have ANY questions, feel free to ask- i'm just learning myself.

"Nature is the best teacher" -the Log Lady

Cea

Songs for no ears

2007-06-05T22:04:00.000-07:00

The prongs of change dig deeper- the mill churns on.. and i wait until i move to Nashville.

i watched a program on National Geographic this evening about the Green Berets based in Afghanistan fighting the Taliban. first glimpse at what is really going on in the minds of the common people in the mideast.

but just a glimpse- like writing a great song that no one will hear.

Akin to Addiction?

2007-05-28T22:04:00.000-07:00

"Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or idealism." -Carl Jung

I. Everyone has an addiction- thus everyone harbors some "bad." Interestingly, some addictions are more socially approved, socially fit than others, e.g. addiction to education or money compared to opiates or alcohol. What is it that separates these addictions besides society? or is one addiction more "natural" or "better" than the other?

We are seekers of knowledge- though, according to the book of Genesis, this was forbidden and we ate from and enslaved ourselves to that tree (perhaps this isn't a parable any more, but a reality). There's reason then to consider this a bad thing...

and the book of Timothy states that "money is the root of all evil." Yet, even a glance at our society, and one notices that obtaining money is one of its primary goals.

However, most persons see an alcoholic and think "What a bad thing!" Yet, is there that much difference in essence between an alcoholic and, for example, Donald Trump (assuming he's not an alcoholic- but certainly consumed by money)? Why is an addiction to money considered less bad than an addiction to alcohol? Okay, this is an easy question if the alcoholic loses friends, family, job, etc. to his addiction- but assuming she doesn't and is a productive member of society? Is not the alcoholic still deemed worse?

II. We all seek to feel Good (which is why we develop addictions) even if feeling Good means enduring suffering.. and hmm, i would be inclined to say that the alcoholic suffers more than the money mongerer (sp?) as each becomes more consumed by his addiction. So, is it the suffering that our society wishes to hide? our society's fear of death? I think it might be.. we turn our heads from the pain of Life.. but the irony is the alcoholic turns his head from his pain, and finds the alcohol leads to more.

III. I wonder, with reason, whether each of us is born with a unique range of feeling good or if early childhood experiences define this range. It is true that many live with dysthymia or dysphoria- it is this which is so fascinating... that each person does not experience pleasure from the same means or at the same level... and some have difficulty experiencing pleasure at all (except perhaps when it is sought through extremes- e.g. drugs). This is what truly makes an individual unique!! All of us seek to feel Good, but do so in different ways. but, the ways determine our worth. The dregs of society seek ways of feeling good that are different than the most valuable members of society: and the dregs are generally those with the most pronounced mental illness. Is mental illness then a result of primarily /choosing/ a certain way or ways of feeling Good?

IV. What drives a person is his natural/envirogenetic penchant for certain facets of Life. but what of these pleasures that tap into this neural joy, only to drain our brains of happiness when they wane? Was the happiness ever there? and so when the drugs don't work, we are left with the vestigial memories of what we used to be? were we not content enough with the level of happiness that we had, and thus ventured for alternative, socially inappropriate ways to feel better?

V. or perhaps we were deluded at a young age that life should be happy? and then once an addiction is developed, we lose the goal and are left with the addiction... and thenceforth every way to feel Good becomes an addiction- and what is left is simply an addict. hmm....

The Roots of the Problem

2007-05-19T14:28:00.000-07:00

If it is evident that depression is a cognitive expression of neurochemical, genomic and proteomic activation/inactivation profiles that alter communication, or activation/inactivation, between neural systems- and leads to behaviorally negative "feelings" or "emotions"- the questions are:

1) what are these profiles?
2) what causes them?

it is obvious then, that there are many levels of analysis- but perhaps a clear description of one level could enlighten another? then it seems reasonable to choose a level of analysis, keep focused on it, yet flexible enough to let the developing picture lead you to new levels of analysis.

-Cea

Depression and Belief: the Placebo Effect

2007-05-15T22:09:00.000-07:00

This article is quite unbelievable- the Placebo Effect, e.g. the phenomenon wherein a sugar pill improves a medical condition as much as an active chemical aimed to treat the condition, is as effective in treating depression as many of the widely prescribed SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors).

believe it for health's sake :P

"Against Depression, a Sugar Pill Is Hard to Beat. Placebos Improve Mood, Change Brain Chemistry in Majority of Trials of Antidepressants"

By Shankar Vedantam
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, May 7, 2002; Page A01

http://www.antidepressantsfacts.com/2002-05-07-washpst-placebo-vs-SSRIs.htm

Depression: A Tribute (part 2)

2007-05-14T18:43:00.000-07:00

God grant me the energy to do something

DEPRESSION: A TRIBUTE

2007-05-09T18:52:00.000-07:00

melancholia - the deep hollow. what is depression? it's a hopelessness, heavy yet carried constantly.. a long-winded loneliness. felt throughout our bodies- it hurts in our backs, feet, heads, saps our energy. in our thoughts it casts its dark shadow. it makes our perceptions grim, and the world less colorful. it says "i'm tired, bored and disinterested, but cannot think of anything to do to settle this." it takes things personally, offensively, and puts us on the defensive...

it comes and goes for one - is always around for another. when it is gone, we can reflect on it, and see it as something that truly existed. most of us know it and share or have shared experiences of it: it's a regular thing for humans. it's even not so bold to consider it a characteristic member in our landscape of emotions. maybe. Though what is perhaps most intriguing is that depression has a rich history- from literature and philosophy to politics and medicine (see XX). And we have a rich history of ways to treat depression that have culminated to the present times where we ingest psychotropic medications that alter neurochemical profiles in our brains (mostly drugs that act by stimulating biogenic amine receptors in the brain- see XX). This infers, sometimes in an unconscious way, that we view depression as a disease, perhaps a mental injury... and

this begs a few questions, one easily answered, the others deserving debate:

1) why do we view depression so negatively, such that we wish to get rid of it as soon as it appears? (A: because it hurts);

2)why do we get depressed? why did our brains evolve this response?

3) what is depression telling us about ourselves as individuals and ourselves as a society? (perhaps the answer to this lies in the sentiment underlying question 1?)

the next unknown number of posts will be devoted to this valuable topic: a monster if ignored- a boon if understood.

(upcoming: why is it difficult for some individuals to mentally overcome depression or dispose it from their psyche while others can let it come and go? depression is a cognitive response to chemical and genomic changes in the neural systems underlying emotion regulation.. so what?)

Little Children

2007-05-03T20:54:00.000-07:00

Is a fabulous movie...

at my new job these are the new techniques i will be learning:
*isolation of RNA
*5HT2C receptor autoradiography
*editing/ pyrosequencing assay

i am getting stoked! but trying to stay focused on the tasks at hand in my current laboratory- writing shall be /fun/

"We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to purpose." Romans 8:28

on the road again

2007-03-27T20:26:00.000-07:00

wow.. it's starting to hit me, the acescent ("slightly bitter" (i'm trying to learn new words)) and sad reality that i am moving to a new environment, a new setting, a new group of people, a new line of research and a next phase of living. wow.. it's starting to hit me, and it makes my sentimental emotions rise to the top like boiling water, (liquid to air, air to liquid in quick succession). yet i must perform my responsibility to live and work and love despite the reality that life and its changing nature is of great pain.

it is not often that we reach periods in our life that allow or direct our brain to reflect on where we've been, where we are, and where we are going all at once.. but these times make me feel so aware of the reality and power of Life and Death (it frankly freaks me out). yet always, always, at the end of this introspective, rational and emotional escapade, i end up with the same conclusion: that it's the people we meet, the relationships we make... that although may or may not (???) give life and death meaning, certainly shape the meaning...

Love is...

2007-03-17T22:13:00.000-07:00

One must have a good memory to be able to keep the promises one makes.
-Friedrich Nietzsche

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
-Friedrich Nietzsche

how many times have we asked 'what is love?' we ask many times because we find so many answers. and one day one works, the next another. and then one day we realize that they all work, but we have to trust in them. if we lose the trust, and let doubt obfuscate our perceptions and thoughts, then the faith is gone and with it too the love. perhaps the three virtues are inseparable... without hope, no love or faith, without faith, no hope or love, and without love, no hope or faith?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will come to pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am full known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
I CORINTHIANS 13: 4-13

"All you need is Love," but it seems certainly above all (else).. not so easy, but certainly worth the life.

2007-03-06T18:47:00.000-08:00

My brother, Jake, flew up to Chicago where i met him to see Camera Obscura perform.. it was a fantastic show, accentuated by the fact that we had the best seats in the house.. it was general admission, so no seats, but we found a large speaker, and perched upon it overlooking the crowd and enjoying the band's performance.. the energy from the crowd was infecting: everyone was digging the melodic indie sounds of the band and sweet voice of the cute singer. check them out if you haven't already.

2006-12-15T08:06:00.000-08:00

PhinallyDone

2006-12-06T15:27:00.000-08:00

I've always wanted to say that! Crown me a PhD in Neuroscience.

Happy Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T14:39:00.000-08:00

behind the clouds, a blue sky always. Happy Thanksgiving to all!!

Nature and the West.

2006-09-30T20:49:00.000-07:00

the gold rush was a metaphor. and what follows is incomplete.

i am amazed how facets of my life can consume it. i am often reminded of how too much of anything is not positive. for now, i am talking of work. i see my thoughts and even feelings being dominated by work, and i find my sense of humor dwindles, seriousness inflates and relationships with others suffer. how many times must we learn that a complete life is a balance of many parts? perhaps one resolute change could shift my life towards such balance? but, moreso i think it's about awareness and faith. seeing in order to act. perhaps the deepest and most unseen motivator is a need for connection and respect. work and relationships as means to them. but i think i've been shaped through my experiences that respect must be earned through success at work. (i don't know about relationships; here is where i admit work has obfuscated clear thinking about an important part). and i feel this is somehow wrong.. that people should not have to earn respect. that respect should be a given, and a person's to lose.. but also to regain through actions of heart. i don't believe respect should be of anything material or earned by conquering/winning. yet, i don't separate myself completely from this 'power/ego' mentality of western society, because i realize i am part of it.. it drives me as much as it drives this whole society. yet, this doesn't mean i accept it for i believe it is a fatal flaw to humanity and devastating to its role in nature.

perhaps then one purpose in life is to play a small role in shifting this mentality, encouraging significance for all parts in the whole.. that everyone is important regardless of their 'successes.' their is no one better, no one worse. peace, love and understanding.

just beginning to read a book given to me by a good friend, "Nature, Man and Woman." by Alan Watts.

sense to see

2006-09-26T21:03:00.000-07:00

there's an overriding feeling, even in the darkness of a poor memory, that says explore your world.. and then an agreement from the conscious self. but, the buts arrive. what are they really? why don't we go where we really want to go, and do what we really want to do. maybe we are going and doing such, but when it hurts, wish we hadn't made the choice.

but still, it seems that we live as if we will never die. that there's always tomorrow to do x, y and z. could it really be reduced to fear? afraid to change course. or is fear just a part of it? for example, maybe we don't do things because of the responsibilities or at least perceived responsibilities, expectations emanating from the relationships we have... maybe morality guides or rules us to. but i would need to expound on this. no, i think it's that we don't change course, bc we know we must run this course.. we were put on it for a reason, and until it's obvious that we should move on, take a new path, then we stay and work. but, when is it obvious?

i want to go to italy, i want to surf waves of exotic beaches, i want to take a month with my brother, Jake and friend, Brian, rent a comfortable house in a secluded area, and make an album with songs of truth deep from the heart. i want to make money and give to those that hurt.. those who were born into a world of anger, sadness and injustice.. those who weren't supported with love and comfort when they were too young to realize it wasn't normal. i want to tell the world that the poor, desolate, psychologically marred people of the world are a product of their environment.. even their genetic phenotype. that Marxism should one day merge with democracy.. we were not created equal. we were not created equal. will i ever do these things?

i think it's about sacrifice. since i was a child, i never wanted to let any body down. i feel by breaking the walls that say no, don't change, i would hurt someone.. family, friends, loved ones.. in other words, i would have to say goodbye. but, damn if the freedom feeling ever subsides.. it never does. but "freedom isn't free unless you learn how to give." (B.C.). perhaps, this is the common misconception.. running away. grass is greener. but to acquiesce to this is to choose not to do decide. life may be just a series of challenges. perhaps i only breathe zen when i've faced a challenge and succeeded in growing from it. faith, hope, love... and truth. truth. be honest, and maybe the opportunities that i want will arrive. perhaps i'm on the right path, but need to traverse difficult obstacles to get to that place.. of love, rest, charity now.

2006-09-21T22:18:00.000-07:00

Happiness is the amnesia experienced after being fruitful

2006-09-21T22:15:00.000-07:00

So, I'll post a few pictures, reflecting that mindset wherein work is behind, allowing you the ticket to be free and search for things that lead you back to work..

Malcolm strike

2006-09-20T20:32:00.000-07:00

Inactivate all higher order processing. a simple strategy is to drink beer. now, finding a rhythm that leads to proper placement of the ball on the pins, stay there, thought-free... strike. strike. strike. wednesday is bowling night. and typically in harness with thought-laden work, so nice it is to inactivate all higher order processing, pick up a twelve pound ball, wind up and roll it to knock down a few pins, sit and chat about whatever, whatever, whatever. human life begins when we sit together, reflect and share... cheers.

nicknames from tonight:
Kirk [Erickson]- "Kirk-a-cola"
Ryan [Haag]- "spyin' Ryan"
Lily [Zurkovsky]- "Willy-Lily"
Clint- "Malcolm strike" (because that little play on a symbol and meaning made me so cheerful! if you haven't read his autobiography and you are white, then you should)
server [Tiffany]- "bumble bee"

doctorate of philosophy (Neuroscience) on horizon

2006-09-07T23:50:00.000-07:00

like dragging, for miles, your mangled left leg across a deep bog, swamp, painful and slow you go. yet endurance has brought me this far, and faith will get me there, to achieve the three letters, PhD. only a few more months and my tenure as a graduate student will be over.. what a monumental time.. and honestly, i haven't reflected on it much.. brain surfeit with so many tasks to pick out and complete beforehand. how i perceive the findings i've garnered along the way has a tremendous impact on my mental well being. was it good work? do the findings add to puzzle? are they worthwhile? are they real? are they just specks of sand... ? perhaps. those heavy questions of a scientist. yet, they are what they are and will be what they will be.. so, i'm challenged to trust that i worked hard and the outcome is Good... no matter the consequences. the exciting part is looking to the next phase of life.. change's range is magnificent.. comes in so many forms from something as trivial as a haircut to something as life-changing as giving birth. yet, underlying each is change.. change is life's only constant.. and so these things big and small are inseparable, different places on the same tree. and without change, life would not be beautiful... it would have died long ago. i hope to embrace the relatively large changes that may be on the horizon. jumping on a magic carpet for the ride... but when that light shines on me, i turn and look away... shy, humble and discreet. I give it to God.

Two Loves and three children of God

2006-09-07T23:40:00.000-07:00

2006-09-07T23:33:00.000-07:00

On a soft summer ending night, sat aflight in a comfortable bubble in my mind.. crickets sing their sullen lullabies, "baby! baby! when are we going to fly back to haiti! baby!" illinois is so far away. good morning undulates down my throat to bring me sleep.. precious sleep as the summer falls.. and love is in the air.. i can just feel football fever.. another time back at the starting block. FIRE! and the cyclone spins, we are moving.. Go forward into now.

One day in paradise

2006-09-01T20:30:00.000-07:00

i found my blog blowing in the wind
drinking a corona and lime,
slow sun burning fresh green trees
exhaling in the wind
with a sailboat of beautiful adventurers
excited yet languidly approaching this island paradise
pregnant with subtle possibilities

the brain... it's only nerves